FUNERAL POST.

dear phone, I am so upset about your passing, I am writing a funeral post for you. you should know you're special. if you could just come back to me, that would be great. I don't want to have to train another phone to be as good as you have been to me. you are terribly missed by all (actually just me, but oh well). you were the best phone I have ever had.

you were loved dearly.

well, my day has started off GREAT.

okay, so I was in first period. my friends jake and jacy are dating, right? I like to mess with them a lot. marching percussion is my first period, as many of you know. we were about to start and they were hugging each other, so I threw a mallet and said "none of that!" and jake threw it back playfully, AND IT HIT MY PHONE IN MY POCKET. right on the screen; lucky shot, huh? you can imagine what happened next. to my dismay, my phone screen is now unresponsive, black, and desolate. i'm saddened deeply by this, and I keep saying "i'm so maaaaad!" but really i'm not. you can't be mad at jake. and besides, it was an accident. so hopefully after band practice, I will go to verizon, they will fix it, or replace it. i'm hoping, anyways. 

and I was texting a really cute boy too! double sadness is currently happening.

this is to rob, who doesn't like my blog. AND SAID IT WAS UNECESSARY. i'm so upset about that too, now. no, i'm just kidding. he's adorable and has strange thoughts about blogs. he can't help it.

well, i'm jumping off. more to come later, i'm sure.

wellllllllll...I made a COMPLETE fool of myself.

this is everyday of my life, I don't understand why i'm so upset right now. I don't even know why I put myself through the torture of checking your blog. you kill me inside and you know it. you don't care. you never have cared, and never will. you're just as heartless as she is, and I think if it came down to her beating me up, or trying to hurt me? you'd let her. you lie and tell me all the time you wouldn't let anything happen to me, but I think you would. you don't even care if I have a way to school or not. yesterday you COMPLETELY ignored me and then talked s*** behind my back. really? super mature. I don't care anymore. have your fun, go ahead little stupid boy. and when she ditches you, and you really need somebody? don't come crying to me. I won't be here. i've had it with you and your silly little games, your straight out lies, and giving me "love" and taking it away. I don't want you anymore. I don't want you ever again. if you're reading this, i'm not kidding. i'm serious. that's why I haven't texted you, why I haven't called, why i'm ignoring you, and you don't even give a rat's a**. that's real cute. and I guess all you'll have to say about it is, "now that's unfortunate, isn't it?" well, I guess it is. and it'll be REALLY unfortunate when you have no friends and need me; I won't be there. i'm not yours and HER welcome mat. I don't want her friendship, because it isn't true. I have nothing against her, except the fact she has you. and that's all she had/has against me, is that I had you once. this blog post is not to blast her. it's to blast you. she never did anything to me, nor I to her.

since you know who this is about girl (I won't disclose names), if you're reading, here's my apology to you. I know I just said some pretty heavy things up there, and i'm sorry. i'm just really mad. you probably don't care, and really want to kill me right now, and that's alright. that's just fine. that's been your state for a few months, almost a year now. I just want to put this stupid s*** to rest with you and him both. I don't hate you. not at all. I won't lie, i'm not your biggest fan, and I don't think you're exactly mine, either. it really isn't necessary to hate someone over a guy. especially when you could be really good friends with that person, and were for a time. I don't exactly think you were ever really my friend, I think you just put up with me for him. and that's okay. I understand your motive. i'm truly over him now, and I don't want to be with him anymore. so, you can stop worrying about that.

 you know what? I don't think there is really anything I can say to make you not mad. I really don't know what to say to you at all. sorry.

well, that's all I have to rant about, for anyone who "reads my blog". soooooo...have a tiggerific tuesday bloggers.

much love.

here's my halloween costume. I was snooki from jersey shore. not that you can tell.

I think you lied.

you're lying about it. I know you are. you have to be. there is no evidence pointing to the fact you two are dating. you're either ashamed of her or she doesn't exist. it may be just wishful thinking, but she can't exist. there's no way. well, okay she exists...but you didn't find her the LEAST bit attractive when we were together and you said you would never date her. so what changed? nothing changes that fast.
depressing, the male race. sad, decrepid, male race. men frustrate me to NO END. I hate boys, I hate men. I certainly am NOT attracted to women, so what's left for me? nothing. oh well. maybe this cutie that I JUST started texting today holds some prospect. another hopeless male victim i'm assuming. but alas, my life is just revolving around the fact I have NO boyfriend. PAAAAAAAAAAAAA-FREAKING-thetic. that's what I am.
onto good news. I spent some time with the best friend shayna today. we jammed to some adele and jb, went to see puss in boots in 3D, made fun of some people, ate almost 50 chicken tenders, laughed until we cried, took 10472972057207206729572957105 pictures in wal-mart, planned our halloween costumes (snookie and deena), and packed some bags. the BEST night of my life. it was EXACTLY what I needed. there may be some more hangout time in the near future, because my mom adores her. love, love, love her!
she is now my one and ONLY best friend. because she actually knows HOW to be a best friend and be there WHEN YOU NEED HER. SHE ACTUALLY KNOWS HOW TO BE A BEST FRIEND AND BE THERE WHEN YOU NEED HER. she doesn't ditch me for stupid people and has my back for whatever. you know who you are and I hope that hurt. I do. I don't care if you scream at me. i'm tired of listening to how i'm not good enough. another friend lost. how UN-FRICKING-FORTUNATE.
all my rants come at 4 am. it's interesting. I hope this does not become a trend. i'm hella tired and can't sleep. I have too much on my mind. I have this, this, constant fear. (I am totally aware I said this twice. t'was intentional). this fear of being predictable. it came out in a dream I had the other night. mr. burton and I were in his office and he was yelling at me. "autumn combs you are SO predictable! I can just guess your next damn move! everybody knows how predictable you are! you can ask anybody and they can tell you how predictable you are!" I woke up in a cold sweat. I am predictable.
well, the fact that my eyes are drooping and occasionally falling shut, is a sign I need to go to sleep. good night to my invisible audience.
au revior, jolie.

4 am. why am I even awake?

it's 4 am. 4 AM. why am I not asleep? oh, that's right, i'm having a late-teen crisis. I have a 22 year old guy that asked me out on a date. okay...not healthy. I have a 19 year old guy (everyone breathe a sigh of relief) that I broke up with, and made a huge mistake because I really liked him. the 19 year old is dating some bridge troll. the 22 year old, I kinda like him. but he doesn't seem to be prince charming. he's got like 284927482947294729570185029500 girls on his facebook trying to get with him, and he's saying they're 'just friends'. then, he ditched me for his 'cousin' and said he 'didn't feel good'. somewhere, we are not adding up. then he updated his facebook status that he had a fun night and is starting to like tennessee better? REALLY not adding up. at all.
also, i'm having a really random moment of insanity, where I think I want to pixie cut my hair in the midst of all this, and i'm frustrated. I don't know what to do! senioritis is flaring up MAJOR lately. i'm soooo ready to graduate and kiss that hellhole goodbye. (and hellhole is not a bad word). my mom hasn't even ordered my cap and gown stuff, so I may be graduating naked. cute. (this is my blog I will overdramatize as much as I want, thank you).
if you're reading this and your only concern is that i'm possibly going on a date with a 22 year old and i'm only 17, stop reading now. because age is a number, and it's not like he's 67. and the 19 year old is closer to my age and yes, I would rather me date him too. but alas, he doesn't wanna date me. tragic.
sometimes, I think I have a rare chemical that repels the part of the male race that is good and reels in the bad side. I don't understand. ugh, i'm FINALLY tired after I got all that off my mind. good night to the people who do not read my blog and to the invisible people I like to think read my blog.
(to be continued...)
until next time, this is autumn danielle, signing off. have a smashing saturday, world. (*sigh* I have moments where i'm clever).

Why do I feel this way?

For some reason nowadays, I feel this constant urge to have a boyfriend. I see couples out, being affectionate, and I wish I had that. Sometimes, however, i'm glad i'm not in that situation anymore. I just want someone to be good to me and love me...is that so bad?

SCREW you.

Every moment of the day, i'm begging for your love. I didn't have to before. I NEVER had to beg for your love. I'm tired of competing. TIRED. I'm over it and on the edge of quitting. I'm giving you too many chances, and you know i'll give you as many as you want. I hate that about you. Just please stop pulling my heart around and give it to me straight. I'm sick. 

Oh. Ouch.

We definitely hung out today. Definitely flirted, and THEN you wanna tell me it's kinda serious with the girl you're with now. I mean, it is my fault, but you should have told me. I tooootally threw myself at you. Now I feel like a total slut. Thanks.

My day...yesterday.

Yesterday, I cried at school. I NEVER cry at school. I make it a goal to make it through the day, and then cry at home. Oh, no. I had to burst into tears in third period. Apparently, my tears couldn't hold themselves, they had to come out and embarass me. Of course. People at my school are super dumb. (There are a select few who are smart, you know who you are.) We have these "silly senior superlatives," right? We're in high school, of course we do. Here are the catagories: Biggest Redneck, Teacher's Worst Nightmare, Most Changed Since Freshman Year, Attached at the Hip, Most Likely to Bring Home to Mom, Most Likely to Become Famous, and some other "silly" *cough, cough STUPID* ones. So, guess who got Biggest Redneck as a joke? ME. Of course. I am THE farthest thing from a redneck. If i'm a redneck, a gay guy will be Mayor of Texas tomorrow. My friend Megan and best friend Shayna thought it would be funny to put me in there a bunch of times as a joke. Well, I was taking it like a champ and laughing, until this girl in the hallway all of a sudden says, "Uhm, it's not funny. I hope you know people are making fun of you for that. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but, they're not saying it as in, oh Autumn's soooo cool, they're making fun of you." Oh. Right. I was totally under control in the situation, laughing it off and ignoring it. That went out the window and FAST. Then, to make matters WORSE, I went to the office because I thought my locker was "jammed". Okay Mrs. Ware, sure you can send Seth to help me open my locker. My brain was in a fuzz from trying not to cry, soooo, I was opening the WRONG locker. Cute. Now i'm a redneck AND stupid. So, Shayna and I are late to third period. I'm crying and Mrs. Huff HAD to question why we were late? Another cool thing. Now i'm a redneck, stupid, a class skipper, and a cry baby. Just adding up those labels, aren't I? I'll be back later, gotta go to school.
(to be continued...)

You put the sunshine in my life.

Friends come and go, sure. It's true. But the ones who stay are very rare. Hard to find, those pesky needles in the haystack. I have two people who are my BEST friends. Certainly and truely my best friends, they know everything about me, and are there for me for whatever.

Benjamin Maxwell Rice...my everything.





Oh, this boy, this boy, this boy. He puts the sunshine in my life, the moon in my sky, the stars in my space, whatever other cliched thing to say the person makes you happy. He is probably the truest best friend I've ever had in my life. Ben has been (that was totally weird to say and type,) the boyfriend, the best friend, the little brother I never had, my rock, my EVERYTHING. I would not replace him for the WORLD, no matter how many times he gets on my nerves. I love him more than anything. He and I will be best friends forever, and I know that for a fact!

Shayna Alexis Schilling...my babyg. 

It's amazing what half a semester of being in third period together will bring you. She and I were NOT each other's biggest fans a long time ago. Now, we're what you might call inseperable. She's been there for me during rough times and I for her. We've figured out each other's likes and dislikes, stuck up for one another, and comforted each other while we cried. She and I sing to each other, have songs we LOVE, and draw each other lyric papers allllll the time. Totally an awesome best friend, and little sister.

I love them both to the moon and back infinite times.NO ONE could ever replace them. <3 I love you Ben and Shayna!



OH MY GOD. THIS IS EMBARASSING.

So I totally spilled my guts to this guy I had the biggest crush ever on, on Facebook. HE'S AT THE SAME LIBRARY I AM RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Thank God he hasn't noticed me. I am not looking up from this computer, WHATEVER I DO. Please GOD don't let him notice me, I will cry. I've already cried once today, twice will NOT be a good idea. I'll spill on that later.
(to be continued...)

Why can't I stop?

I thought I was over you. Why must you hold onto me like this? I find myself searching for you in crowded rooms. Please let me go. Please. I wish I could make this easier for us both and make the pain stop. But i'm only one person, one girl. There's someone else out there for you better than me. I promise. She'll treat you like somebody and her mom will love you. She'll keep her promises and listen to every problem you have. She won't be too busy for you, too tired, or too annoyed by everything else to be with you. She won't be me by any means. That'll be good for you. Great for you, even. Angel, just let me go...free yourself from me. I won't disclose your name...but you know who you are. I wish a world of greatness for you. Everything you want to be, I pray you be it. Darling, I wish everything amazing for you. You have big and happy dreams, and I will pray every night from now on they come true for you...just let me go. Lead the life you were headed toward before me. Your life will be so much better this way. I promise you that. My heart will always be yours. Maybe someday we'll meet again on this road called life.
 The course of free love never runs smooth. I suppose we have all tried it.-- Mark Twain
(to be continued...)

Kindergarten was yesterday...what happened?

Today we went to a graduation informational meeting. I was totally in kindergarten yesterday, right? I'm about to be 18, attend college, and major in nursing. Back then, I thought I was going to be 5, major in coloring, and have a farm. This meeting today totally opened my eyes. I'm actually frightened to grow up. I really thought I was ready to grow up and get out of the house, but it is DEFINITELY not so. Graduation is in May. It's October. November, December, January, February, March, April...May. If you didn't catch how many months that was; 7 is your grand total. I have 7 more months to be a teenager. 7 more months to live it up. 7 more months to hug my mom everyday. 7 more months until my life starts. I'm actually going to grow up in 7 months? No. I refuse...


On a lighter note, if there is one, my brother is coming in for my graduation...I hope. He wasn't here for senior night, which sucked a TON, but he'll be here for graduation. He promised. Maybe then my life will be settled down. Right now, it's in a riggamaroar. (Thanks for teaching me new words, mom.) Currently, i'm failing wellness. Yes, I am failing PE. Sue me! I hate working out. I like my fluff just as it is, thank you! Okay, so that isn't totally true. Society sucks. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; whoever said that is a LIAR. Apparently the beholder is blind--ehem, SOCIETY YOU'RE BLIND. Whatever happened to inner beauty and all that crap they told us about in elementary school? It's still there. It's in everyone, believe it or not. Those girls and guys you think have outer beauty? Certainly don't have inner beauty, I guarantee you that. Very few people in this world have both (watch "Shallow Hal," it'll change your life) inner and outer beauty. This blog needs to be more orderly...it's all over the place!


Well, that's my rant for now. I'll be back later, i'm sure.


(to be continued...)

Introduction.

My life happens to be problematic.
Just at this moment, anyway. I have a lot of teenage girl problems, that I wish would go away. I care about what people think too much, i'm self conscious, wondering why I don't have an amazing guy chasing after me, wishing I was older, you know. that sort of silly thing. Marching band is my life; I play marimba and other percussion-y instruments. If I didn't play, I think my heart would stop.
...to be continued...